Fischer-Lagerhaus, Neuwied

There are some stores which are just kryptonite to your wallet. I used to think I had the perfect kryptonite to avoid at all costs in the shape of B&Q, especially when they crank up that 80's style dad music; Duran Duran, Africa, Bananarama, etc. So much the more allure when I was fresh from the press with a new job, with a burning need to make DIY repairs to a new house. Well, scrub all of that. Fischer-Lagerhaus, has stores all over Germany including Neuwied near Koblenz. Their cathedral-like Aladdin's caverns purvey the most epicurean selection of ethnic trophies from around the world, from India to China, Africa to Tibet. In its splendour, taste and voluptuary elegance, it makes the likes of Dunelm Mill look like Preston Bus station in the 1970's. I have every confidence these people will bankrupt me in the most supremely ethical way, and leave me sitting in an immaculate museum piece of a house, surrounded by exotic leafy plants with furniture smelling sweetly of polished mahogany and sandalwood, as I weep into my final credit card bill with fond Sanskrit memories.