ACCORDING TO BUDDHISM, THERE ARE four elements of true love.
The first is maitri, which can be translated as loving kindness or benevolence.
Loving- kindness is not only the desire to make someone happy, to bring joy to
a beloved person; it is the ability to bring joy and happiness to the person
you love, because even if your intention is to love this person, your love
might make him or her suffer.
Training is needed in order to love properly; and to be able
to give happiness and joy, you must practice deep looking directed toward the
person you love. Because if you do not understand this person, you cannot love
properly. Understanding is the essence of love. If you cannot understand, you
cannot love. That is the message of the Buddha. If a husband, for example, does
not understand his wife’s deepest troubles, her deepest aspirations, if he does
not understand her suffering, he will not be able to love her in the right way.
Without understanding, love is an impossible thing.
What must we do in order to understand a person? We must
have time; we must practice looking deeply into this person. We must be there,
attentive; we must observe, we must look deeply. And the fruit of this looking
deeply is called understanding. Love is a true thing if it is made up of a
substance called understanding.
The second element of true love is compassion, karuna. This
is not only the desire to ease the pain of another person, but the ability to
do so. You must practice deep looking in order to gain a good understanding of
the nature of the suffering of this person, in order to be able to help him or
her to change. Knowledge and understanding are always at the root of the
practice. The practice of understanding is the practice of meditation. To meditate
is to look deeply into the heart of things.
The third element of true love is joy, mudita. If there is
no joy in love, it is not true love. If you are suffering all the time, if you
cry all the time, and if you make the person you love cry, this is not really
1ove; it is even the opposite. If there is no joy in your love, you can be sure
that it is not true love.
The fourth element is upeksha, equanimity or freedom. In
true love, you attain freedom.
When you love, you bring freedom to the person you love. If
the opposite is true, it is not true love. You must love in such a way that the
person you love feels free, not only outside but also inside. "Dear one,
do you have enough space in your heart and all around you?” This is an intelligent
question for testing out Whether your love is something real.
From True Love: A Practice for Awakening the Heart, by Thich
Nhat Hanh
The cover art is a detail from White Lotus (Nelumbo
odorata), c1800 Bengal from the Arthur
M Sackler Museum
By North Utsire
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